American Gladiators: College Coaching Edition

American Gladiators starts up tonight in all its ‘roided up goodness, and here at Understanding Lou we’ve decided to pick five college football coaches for our own edition of American Gladiators. We thought about doing a playoff system, but the Rose Bowl officials wouldn’t allow it so the computers did the numbers and here are the winners:


1. Bobby Petrino, Arkansas- Sure Bobby isn’t all that big in stature, but what most people need to realize is that he does not have a conscience or a soul. He’s like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. You say one thing to this guy…he’ll kill ya. Joey Harrington says Petrino’s not a man? Your time is coming Joey…your time is coming. The Eliminator isn’t the name of the final event, it’s Petrino’s job.







2. Ron Zook, Illinois- Zooker was the obvious number one pick but that Rose Bowl performance dropped him. Still there’s no denying the fact that this guy will break you in half. Can you imagine the venom he was spewing at halftime of the Rose Bowl? There isn’t a person out there in America who will beat him in the breakthrough and conquer event. You can break through…but no one conquers Ron Zook.


3. Mark Mangino, Kansas- Just off the most successful season of his career and Kansas’ history he had to make it. Who out there is going to get around this guy, America? Mangino has been training for the human cannonball for years (and you thought he was just obese). And dont think about showboating against this guy because he will get in your face:



4. Pete Carroll, USC- Pete’s unassuming with his laidback attitude, good friend Will Ferrell and Southern Cal lifestyle but don’t be fooled, he’s a gamer (you see those guns?). He’s a defensive mastermind who already dominated our two seed Ron Zook. You see Pete Carroll now as this skinny middle aged man who is an excellent football coach but you’re forgetting what he was doing in the early 90’s…..




5. Joe Paterno, Penn State- You’ve seen 300 you know what Joe went through growing up in Sparta. It was a hard life, but if he can survive the Persian army, the middle ages, and both World Wars what chance does some amateur have of knocking him, and his thousands of years of gladiator experience, off in a jousting competition?








Alternate: Lou Holtz, ESPN- You may say it is unfair that we picked the patron saint of the site as an alternate. Yes Lou is no longer a coach, and sure he looks like he might day any minute, but he's got you right where he wants you. He puts up with Mark May's shit all season long and hes fired up for new opponents. Lou wants you to think he’s a senile old man, but really he’s ready to bring the wood because Holtz…it means hard wood.