Guess Who's Back

After a few months off to fight some money laundering charges (we won and Big Ron got his paper) we're back and ready for some summer sports. It's good to be home and we look forward to talking about such exciting topics as May penant races, sexually-deviant lacrosse teams, and the beauty of aluminum bats.

Sayonara Suckers

Championship week is heating up and its safe to say that a few teams have played their way out of the bubble and straight into the NIT.

Syracuse- after losing to Villanova in the first round there is no way the Orange get in to the big dance and for the second straight year.

Maryland-Gary Williams picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue because his team threw away their tournament hopes with collapses against Virginia and Boston College.

Florida- Alabama put a hurting on the Gators to ruin Billy D and the boys chances of getting into the discoteca

Oregon-they're out, but we'll never forget....Ducks fly together.

Temple is doing the opposite of all these teams as they face Charlotte in the A-10 semifinal giving the sun a chance to shine in Philadelphia again. In some dark room, John Chaney smiles.

Meet the Bubble Teams: Ohio State

With March Madness just around the corner, we felt this was a great time to look at some of the teams on the proverbial bubble this time of year.

Mascot: Buckeyes. Apparently, this is a giant acorn according to those car commercials for the Heisman in 2006. We like to think of the Buckeye as the Patron Saint of Blowing it in National Championships.

Famous Alumni: 1. Richard Lewis- best known as Larry David's friend/foe in Curb Your Enthusiasm, Richard also claims to have originated the phrase "(insert term) from hell." Such as, "Bill Simmons' Sports guy column is the column from hell." Richard also claims to have coined the phrase "hola" and has petitioned the Mexican government for copyright of the term.

2. Jack Buck- legendary broadcaster and father to gay son Joe.

3. R.L. Stine- writer of the famed Goosebump series.

Head Coach: Thad Matta- Thad's parents were known acid abuser in the 60's before they gave him his name.

White guy on the bench: Danny Peters-another former manager turned basketball version of Rudy has the most comfortable spot on the bench for the Buckeyes. Peters has seen so little time that Matta actually let him have a La-z-boy chair for all home games so he can "relax with a beer and watch the game." Seen below in what looks like a elementary school game, but is apparently a high school game, Peters is known for his hustle and lack of talent. Mike Conely Jr. said last season of his teammate: "Shit, he's actually on the team? I thought he was still just the manager."

Outlook: Tuesday's overtime win over Purdue was huge for the Buckeyes, but if they lose to Michigan State Sunday, they'll be left at 18-13 in an average-to-belowaverage Big Ten. They will probably need a run in the Big Ten tourney if they have any chance to make to the big dance.

If You Cant Stand the Heat...

There's only a few days left before tournament week. Only a few more days to pad the RPI, beat a top 50 team or win one on the road. A lot of teams are in (i.e UNC, Memphis, and Kansas). A lot of teams are out, see New Jersey Institute of Technology. Here's a list of teams that are still on that proverbial bubble:

1. Maryland- 20 point lead at home with your tourney chances on the line? Perfect time for a collapse. Now Gary Williams and his team needs to rebound and come up big after Sunday's loss to Clemson

2. Syracuse- Not to be outdone by the Terps Syracuse decided Saturday was a great time to give up a late lead and blow one at home. Paul Harris can say he got fouled but he exposed himself to that steal.

3. Ohio State- last year's runner up is hangin by a thread after Tubby Smith and Minnesota rolled over the Buckeyes.

4. Texas A&M- 10 points in a half? Is this the Boys and Girls club team we coach or a D-1 team?

5. Oregon- the Ducks have lost 8 of their last 12 and really don't deserve a shot at the tourney, but if they can win their last 2 games and then make a run in the PAC-10 tourney they may have a chance.

6. Florida- the two-time defending Champs needed a win on Saturday and came up small at home. They play Tennessee on Wednesday and should lose, meaning Saturday's game against Kentucky will probably decide which team goes dancing.

7. St Joe's- They need a win at Xavier and Dayton to close out the season to have any hope. Big 5 rival Temple scored late to beat the Hawks and could be the lone, and surprising, Big 5 rep in the tourney if they keep winning.

8. New Mexico- who cares what theyre record is (its 22-7 though), the Lobos have the best nickname in basketball, the best arena in "The Pit," and have Steve Alford, a national champion and gold medalist, as their coach. They're in.

Yea, none of these teams did anything to help themselves out this week, but they all still have shots, as long as they stop shooting themselves in the foot. We'll be giving you a run down of these teams in the coming days so check back to find out all you need to know about these teams.

Meet The Bubble Teams: Syracuse

With March Madness just around the corner, we felt this was a great time to look at some of the teams on the proverbial bubble this time of year.

Mascot: Orange (used to be a man, now just a large orange ball)

Famous Alumni: 1. Bob Costas- that's right the biggest nerd in all of broadcasting was once an orange. Costas could take the final drive of this years Super Bowl and make it sound like a shitty PGA tour event with his monotone voice. Get ready though because you'll be seeing a lot of him next year with the Olympics coming up.

2.Mike Tirico- bes known for getting really excited over nothing and sexually harassing coworkers.

3. Carmello Anthony- doesn't belive in snitching.

Head Coach: Jim Boeheim- best known for his tough 2-3 zone Boeheim has been through some agravating years since the 2003 championship. First, they wouldnt have won one f-in game all year if it wasn't for Jerry McNamara (video), then they realized they had the two ugliest/thugged out white players in the country. This years squad was plagued by injuries early and now is plagued by the inability to stop the three ball.

White guy on the bench: Jake Pressuti-a student manager as a freshman, this Rudy-esque player is all heart and no natural athletic ability. That year in the laundry room prepared this team player for the grueling campaigns and also left him with another year of eligibility, which isgood for Orange fans, already looking ahead to next season.
Jake's hobbies include reading philosophy, exploiting his position as a basketball player to get sex he doesn't deserve, and ironing clothes. A fun fact about Jake is that he worked at McDonalds as a mascot for birthday parties and played in the Ronald McDonald All-Star game (not to be confused with the McDonalds All-American game) which pitted all the Ronald McDonalds in the Genesee Valley area against eachother in a competition of skills including face painting and balloon animals.

Outlook: A win against Georgetown helps the Orange, but they'll need either another marquee win or a Big East tourney run if they hope to have the selection committee overlook that loss to South Florida.

THEY DID IT!!!!

NJIT...your Highlanders have finished the season an imperfect 0-29. Worst in NCAA history. Head Coach Jim Casciano credited the poise of his team with the accomplishment:
"We had a lot of young guys who didn't get distracted by talk of winning a game. We had guys like Justin Garris, who is just a freshman, and he had the focus to go 0-for-4 from three-point range. Imagine if he had hit a few of those. We would have been right back in the game."

We're gonna go wash the champagne out of our clothes, but we'll be back tomorrow to tell you why the NCAA and its obedience to police are destroying college football and some college basketball talk.

Highlander Watch: In Pursuit of Imperfection

Eli Manning and the New York football Giants ruined the Patriots perfect season, but in Newark, New Jersey an athletic achievement of greater magnitude is in reach. THE New Jersey Institute of Technology Highlanders are on the verge of a completely imperfect 0-28 season. In the past 50 years only two teams have gone winless, but the Highlanders 28 losses would tie them with the 2004-2005 edition of Savannah State for the honor of worst team in the history of modern basketball. As the season progresses, we will update you on Head Coach Jim Casciano and the Highlanders as they head toward history.

So it's been awhile since we updated you on the Highlander's but unless you find 20 point losses exciting, you havent missed anything. The magic number is not at one, with Saturday's showdown against Utah Valley being the final hurdle standing in the way of your Highlanders and immortality. In the past three games NJIT has lost by an average of 17 points per game with their closest contest coming against Chicago State in a 86-76 loss. The Highlanders came behind from 15 down to cut the Chicago State lead to three with 2:34 left in the game, before the Cougars regianed control for the win.

The Highlanders have moved past this near disaster though and focused on the prize: their defeated season. Saturday's rematch with Utah Valley will decide whether they become just another one win team or if they become immortals. Check back later in the week for a comprehensive breakdown of the matchups that matter in Saturday's game.

Steroids...Bend Over and Take it in the Ass

Wednesday afternoon we saw Roger Clemens get berated before a Congressional hearing on steroids. The way they talked about Clemens and Brian McNamee you wouldve thought they killed someone or sent our country into war under false pretenses. Here at understanding lou though, we want to thank the Rog, McNamee, Barry Bonds, and anyone else who is involved with the illegal distribution and/or use of HGH, steroids or any other performance enhancing drugs. Personally we support the use of PED's and are sick and tired of the witch hunt that Bud Selig and his cronies are performing.

1. Homeruns -If the Mitchell report proved one thing to us it is that every good player of the last 20 years used a PED. Imagine if they hadn't used them. Baseball is pretty boring to begin with and if the players can inject a mixture of Vitamin B12, HGH, and Alka Seltzer into their asses then think how bad it would be. Baseball with no home runs would be like football without the forward pass:boring. The NFL sure as shit wouldn't ban the forward pass and Selig shouldnt let the suits in Congress take the home run out of baseball.

2. The Fans- Chicks dig the long ball? No, chicks dig a chiseled Derick Jeter in boxers. Dudes dig the long ball. If it weren't for steroids we'd have fat out of shape players and zero homeruns, meaning none of the fans would be happy. If Bud wants to let a democratic Congress destroy America's pasttime and hand it over to the terrorists then he's on the right track, but if he believes in freedom then he should give his players the freedom to take as many harmful substances as it takes to be great players.

3. They're Hardworkers- All these players are being looked at as cheaters, but the way we see it, they were hard workers.Let's say you and another worker are vying for a promotion. If that other person drinks red bull to get extra work done and you dont and sleep on the job then you have noone to blame but yourself for not getting the promotion. Thats what HGH and steroids are...red bulls. Don't punish Roger Clemens for going the extra mile to make the Yankees better. No, punish guys like Mario Mendoza who didn't go that extra mile and in the process tarnished the game of baseball with their futility.

Finally, stop saying that its a recent phenomenon. People have used HGH and steroids since the dawn of history. Here are a few:

120 A.D. Maximus- you saw the movie. The guy took on 8 people at once and killed all of them in ten minutes. Then showing his roid rage he decide to attack the crowd. He was a classic steroid abuser, and if we're not mistaken, he brought order back to room. Not so bad of a guy now is he?


1776 George Washington and the Continental Army- they were all taking steroids at Valley Forge. Do you really think that ragtag group could take on the strongest army in the world without a little help? Didn't think so. If you like freedom, then you like steroids.


1945 Josef Stalin- How could you create an Iron Curtain without pumping some iron? Stalin was a habitual steroid user, and while he was a huge prick, he did help stop the Germans....all thanks to his friend Mr. HGH.

2173 Terminator-Yea he didn't do anything for you, ya know...except save the human race from killer robots. Theres only one way he could do that....roids. So you got a choice here, either admit that steroids aren't all bad or just prepare for your robo-overlord to come and eat your brains.

Do you need any more proof? Steroids and HGH are good for baseball, America and the world.

Kelvin Sampson is Screwed

With his team riding high and (illegal) freshman Eric Gordon playing great, it was only a matter of time until Kelvin Sampson screwed it up and right now the big guy is in a whole sea of shit. The NCAA apparently has found that Sampson knowingly made 100 illegal phone calls and then lied. The question is...who in the hell was he calling that much? It's not like the NCAA is really restricting the coaches that much because most of the others don't do (or get caught doing) this. They have bad service in Bloomington or something? Because his only explanation could be dropped calls. To top it all off, in what might have been his last game coaching, the Hoosiers lost 68-66 to Wisconsin. In the days ahead Sampson will have a lot of answering to do but he can look back on other great liars for inspiration.

Rafael Palmero(finger point): "I never took steriods."

Roger Clemens: "I did not take HGH."

Bill Belichek: "No, we don't tape the other team's signals"

OJ Simpson: "Knife? Glove? Blood? Nah, you got the wrong guy for this one man."

Bill Clinton: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"

Big Monday

Villanova 53 8) Georgetown 55- for the umpteenth time this season Georgetown got bailed out at the end of a game this time it was a phantom foul called on Corey Stokes, sending Jonathon Wallace to the line with .1 sec left to win the game on the freest free-throws taken this season. Either this Georgetown team is the most poised teama down the stretch or else God really is on the side of the Catholics because while they sit at 20-3 they could just as easily be 16-7. As for Nova, the only thing that looked good about their second half was Jay Wright's suit. The Cats missed their last 15 three-pointers and now sit at 14-9 and 4-7 in the Big East and seem to be on the outs of the field of 64.

3) Kansas 69 11) Texas 72- This game proved that the up's and down's of the early season are behind the longhorns and that this team is for real. Damion James sparked the Longhorns who overcame a 4 point halftime deficit for the win. James had a double-double in the second half alone, scoring 12 points and grabbing 13 rebounds. Rick Barnes proved he can do more than recruit as his gameplan worked to perfection in this one. Texas pressured the ball all night and kept the Jayhawks from running and getting into sync on offensive, handing them their second loss in 33 regular season games.

21) St. Mary's 54 Santa Clara 50-like Gonzaga a few years ago, St. Mary's keeps escaping upset bids by weak WCC opponents. It took until 24 seconds left until the Gaels (really?) safely took the lead in this one, making one wonder if they are benefitting from an easy WCC schedule or whether they are really a top 25 team.

Worst Week

Think you had a bad week? Doubt if can compare to this one...

Kevin Hart- ...honestly we feel bad for the guy. Yes, he was a two star recruit with no offers from anywhere (D-2 included) but the guy really wanted to play D-1 football. His story is no different than the movie Accepted, where the guy fakes all sorts of stuff and pretends he's attending a good college when really he's doing nothing (seriously how dumb were his parents?...actually...how dumb are the Hart's now that we're thinking of it.) His saga is nothing different than the movie Accepted....so stop judging and start laughing, like you did for the movie, for the crazy escapades of Kevin Hart because for the past few months this kid were calling an idiot made all the adults around him look like even bigger idiots. So that is why Kevin Hart had the worst week out of all of us.

He's Back.....

What's that sound you're hearing? You guessed it. Dickie V is back, which can only mean one thing....lots of yelling and probably lots of tears. Some say it's a good thing for basketball but it isn't. We're sure he's probably a really good guy but between his terrible catch slogans, sounds that can only come from a dying horse, and don't get us started on his obsession with Duke. Seriously, did he mess up his vocal cords by yelling so much or blowing Coach K twice a week? Okay, maybe that wasn't fair but tonight is guaranteed to be a love fest. You're gonna have Nestler all over Vitale, Vitale all over Duke, Duke players all over eachother, and Vitale all over the ACC in general. It's gonna be a painful game to watch, more painful than the time ESPN broadcast the game on 5 channels showing every possible camera angle you could imagine. So while most people may be happy that Vitale is back, here at Understanding Lou we have room for only one senile former coach and ESPN analyst....

Pryor Watch:Judgement Day

It has finally come. Judgment Day. Today, Terrelle Pryor will choose between Michigan and Ohio State (and maybe Penn State and Oregon). RichRod or Tressel. Today the drama ends....actually, maybe it doesn't. That's right, maybe Terrelle isn't ready to make a decision just yet, which means we get to sit and debat about him. CNNSI for their part though has one-upped the WWL, saying that no, Terrelle is ready to make a decision and will be in Columbus with the vest next fall which would give him a year before playing and put him in position to compete for a national championship right away. If this is true the RichRod is absolutely screwed. He already lost his entire offense and if he doesn't get Pryor he's in deep shit next season. Is it too late to ask for Lloyd back in Ann Arbor.

But wait, it's changed again...mgoblog is saying that Jerome Bettis told some guy on a plane that his former teammate (and Pryors study buddy/mentor) Charlie Batch said that Terrelle is going to Michigan. It's like a sick game of whisper down the lane and noone can get it right.

Seriously though Terrelle, make up your god damn mind already. We got enough problems figuring out our next President, we don't need you messing with our minds too. So Terrelle, just pick and let us sleep easy.

Goodbye Bobby Knight, Have Fun in Mexico

We at Understanding Lou are saddened by the news of Bobby Knights retirement. We've learned from an unnamed source that Knight has left the country to flee authorities in relation with his run-in earlier this year with James Simpson (you know the time he shot at the guy and then cursed at him). Say want you want about the man but he was a heck of a coach and was a walking sound clip. Any time he spoke you knew something entertaining/controversial was going to come out. The NCAA tournament just wont be the same without his wiseass comments to the media on media day. And who could forget when he reamed out a random NCAA volunteer in 1995. We say sayanora Bobby, we'll never tell the cops where you are. In the mean time we leave you with some classic quotes from the man himself

Congrats Eddie Sutton

The Patriots may have failed in their quest for a milestone, but San Francisco head coach Eddie Sutton put down the bottle and was finally able to get his 800th victory in thrilling fashion after his team came back from a 19 point second half deficit to beat Pepperdine, which was not burnt to the ground during the California wildfires, 85-82 in Malibu.
No longer will we mark the end of Sutton's career with memories of him getting toasted and crashing into things. Now we will replace that by remembering him in the same breath as Dean Smith, Adolph Rupp, and Bobby Knight (who we already compared him to anyway). So congrats Eddie, you earned this. Now go have a drink and celebrate.

Man I Hate My Life: Week Recap

Who had the worst week this week? Was it Chris Carter getting rejected from the hall of fame? Was it the Patriots for again getting accused of cheating. Or was it Kansas losing their first game of the season to in-state rival Kansas State? No there's a group of people who have had a worse week than all of these people and hasn't even known it, and those people are....


You, America-for the past 14 days you have religiously followed ESPN, the NFL network and anywhere else you could find information on the upcoming Super Bowl. You've followed TMZ to see if Tom Brady is still wearing a boot, and whether Randy Moss assaulted any women. You heard how Eli has been talking to Peyton about how to beat the Pats, even though Peyton only beat them last year. And you've heard how the G-men are huge underdogs but can stop the perfect season. What you're forgetting is that the NFL is fixed and this all means nothing. If the Rog wants the Pats to win then they could start MAtt Cassel at QB, hell they could start Sam Cassell. So tomorrow our long national nightmare will be over and either the fascist regime in New England will define excellence or the G-men will keep the miraculous run alive. Either way the coverage will finally stop and we can get ready for the media blitz surrounding the NCAA tournament. We'll leave you with some parting words from none other than Carl.

Highlander Watch: In Pursuit of Imperfection

Bill Belichek and the Patriots need one more win to finish the perfect season, but in Newark, New Jersey an athletic achievement of greater magnitude is in reach. THE New Jersey Institute of Technology Highlanders are on the verge of a completely imperfect 0-28 season. In the past 50 years only two teams have gone winless, but the Highlanders 28 losses would tie them with the 2004-2005 edition of Savannah State for the honor of worst team in the history of modern basketball. As the season progresses, we will update you on Head Coach Jim Casciano and the Highlanders as they head toward history.

The magic number is now six after a loss to Texas Pan-American on Saturday was followed up with another loss for the Highlanders at the hands of Loyola on Tuesday night.
Saturday saw Texas Pan-American come in and outlast NJIT 54-42 in a game that was as slow and boring as you would expect one between these two powers. The rocking crowd of 300 (they were there for the cyo game at halftime) saw Jheryl Wilson drop 11 for the Highlanders, but it wasn't enough as Nathan Hawkins led the way with 15 points for Pan-Am
On Tuesday MAAC power Loyola took their 12-10 record to Newark and came out with a victory and an ounce of the finest crack the city has to offer. This one was close during the first half until Michael "Nip and" Tuck surgically weaved his way through the Highlander defense for 23 points. Jheryl Wilson again led the way for our fearless warriors dropping 12 points in the loss.
Up Next:The red hot Utah State Wolverines ride into the crack-capital of America on a four game win streak and are looking for blood when they face the hometown Highlanders on Saturday at 2.

Digger Can't Replace Corso On Gameday

It probably seemed like a good idea at the time. College GameDay is a college football institution, and the people at the world wide leader decided to use the same formula for college basketball. What works for football just fails miserably for basketball. So before you get up early on Saturday to check the crew out we have a few reasons why it's just not the same as in the fall.

It's Too Contrived
College football has a strong tailgate culture and that's one of the main reasons for the success of the football edition. It's great seeing 10,000 Auburn faithful outside cheering before they play Florida. There's something genuine about the enthusiasm and GameDay only adds to the energy. For the basketball edition all the energy is sucked out of the formula and replaced with what might as well be recording of cheering. They fill the arena with a couple of thousand fans (nerds?) hours before the game. The show airs from 10am-12, and the game, which is always the prime time ESPN broadcast, does not start until 9pm. No matter what Digger and the crew want to tell you there's no way that those people are staying. The moment the show is done the TV whores in the seats are right back to some place where they can start drinking, so their enthusiasm during the broadcast is far from genuine.

It's Not Even the Game of The Week
The football version does not decide until days before Saturday where they will be traveling, but the basketball edition has its games picked weeks in advance. Football follows great match-ups like California and Oregon or Kansas and Missouri this season. Imagine if they picked their games weeks in advance, do you think game day would have been at that Missouri-Kansas game? Doubtful. Now look at this past week's basketball location: Southern Illinois. The Salukis have been a powerhouse in the MVC for years, but this year they limped into this contest at 4-4 in the conference while their opponent Creighton, another perennial MVC power, came in at 5-3. This match-up does not exactly stir excitement in the average college fan's heart, but nonetheless at 9 am central time Digger, Bilas, and company were there in full force prepping you for this one. The final score? A sloppy 48-44 victory for the Salukis to move to 10-10 for the season.

Digger Is No Corsoe
Oh, the WWL held strict to their formula with this one. Corsoe has been a major hit on the football edition so why not take an old basketball coach from the studio and make him part of the broadcast. Enter Digger Phelps and his color cooridination. Digger flat out sucks compared to Lee (and Lee's pretty annoying himself at times). First, Digger doesn't even fain impartiality, choosing Notre Dame, where he coached, as often as he humanly can. Then there is the point of his tie-to-highlight combo. Does he have OCD or is the queer eye for the straight guy crew working for him? Lee may do lines of coke before he goes on stage but it's way better than Digger's awful voice and highlighter.

Bilas Isn't Herbstreit
Don't get us wrong, we love Jay and Hubert, but does either really look like hes going to go out and enjoy himself on campus like Kirk does? Jay and Hubert are just too innocent to fill the void that Kirk leaves. Neither is obnoxious enough and they certainly wouldn't leave a path of destruction at every sorority house like we know Kirk and those sweet highlights do.

The next two weekends are good match-ups, but that doesn't make up for how bad College GameDay is as a basketball program. Luckily it's only 7 months until this. Sadly we have two months left of this:

What The F*** Happened This Weekend?...Recap

Another weekend in college basketball went by, and like the Blue Devils we're jumping up and having a sword fight in the air while recapping this weekends games.

3) Duke 93 Maryland 84-The Dukies avoided the same fate that their brothers down tobacco road as they rallied in the second half to down Maryland. The Blue Devils outscored the terps 51-33 in the second half of this one, and were clearly excited as Gerald Henderson's man bump in the picture indicates (seriously that is like straight up all man touching there. They could have at least attempted to make it look like they were trying to chest bump).

Connecticut 68 8) Indiana 63- With two players suspended (they didn't steal lap tops this time) Connecticut went into Indiana and upset the top-10 Hoosiers. Jim Calhoun said it was one of his best victories as a coach, and it could be just what this team needs to jumpstart itself out of mediocrity.

9) Georgetown 58 West Virginia 57- Georgetown is boring, has looked sloppy, and seems to get luck...but they keep on winning. For the second game in a row, Jessie Sapp scored the final 5 points for the Hoyas in another come from behind victory. Patrick Ewing pulled his best impression of his father with his block/goaltend as time expired.

11) Wisconsin 56 Purdue 60- In a matchup of two of the whitest teams in college basketball, Purdue was able to pull it out and take claim to the Aryan trophy. It was a big win for Purdue who is now tied with Wisconsin for second place in the Big Ten.

Man I Hate My Life: Week Recap

Long week? We've all been there, but as bad as things seem here are a few people who have had worse weeks than any of us. It's the top 3 this week because things were hard.

3) Villanova- We we're going to say that Jay Wright had the worst week ever, but honestly, when you dress that good (no homo) how can you have a bad week? His team is a different story. Wednesday's loss to Rutgers dropped the Cats to 3-3 and gave a struggling Rutgers team it's first win in the Big East. Even Jay had too look bad after they lost their third game to an unrakned opponent

2) Rick Majerus- Noone can say Rick isn't an honest guy (or that he isn't fat), but honesty got him in trouble this week. First there was the rehashing of his exposure while at Utah then we found out that he loves killing babies. Sadly for him...Catholics don't like killing babies and he's on the hot seat. So now with his team 1-3 in the A-10 Majerus is getting threatened with termination. Majerus definitely knows what it feels like to be pregnant- he looks like hes been with child for like 15 years- but St. Louis doesn't care for its employees having original beliefs.

1) Eddie Sutton- What's worse than being forced out of coaching just a few wins short of a landmark 800th victory? Being forced to coach at San Francisco while going cold turkey seems like one hell of a punishment. After coaching at Oklahoma State for so long Eddie seems like he's being punished for something. Maybe he killed a stripper, who knows. All we know is that Eddie is in hell...b-ball hell. So when you think about how bad your week is, remember that Eddie Sutton can't get number 800 and can't even wash his sorrows down with a drink. That is a pretty shitty week...hell it's a shitty season for the guy.

What The F*** Happened Last Night? Still Tired

In honor of Baylor and Texas A&M's marathon thriller last night, we're popping open some Red Bulls and trying to stay awake while we break down a few of last nights matchups.

25) Baylor 116 16) Texas A&M 110- First half: we're sitting enjoying this one flipping to American Idol during commercials --some of these people can't be serious with this singing. Aggies up six at intermission.
Second half: Baylor comes back to tie it up. Checked out Moment of Truth during timeouts...flat out retarded. Lot's of dumb questions and not enough destroyed marriages. Switching to ESPN for good.
First OT: decided to do a shot everytime time a three pointer was taken. Cringe with each foul.
Second OT:This one was boring so we tuned out to watch a few minutes of Heath Ledger: A Hollywood Tragedy. We start to cry.
Third OT: A&M up 5 with a minute to go but Baylor comes back. Decide to do man shots. Crying again.
Fourth OT: A&M comes back this time. More man shots.
Fifth OT: Not sure who's more exhausted...us or the teams. Baylor pulls away, we pass out.

18) Villanova 68 Rutgers 80- The dirty Jerz was in all its glory Wednesday night as Rutgers beat a ranked team for the first time in two years. Villanova looked flat out sloppy in this one --except Jay Wright who looked dapper as always -- and got out played from opening tip to buzzer. It was Villanova's third loss in six games as they dropped to .500 in Big East play.

Rick Majerus Does the Darndest Things

Rick Majerus is best known for being fat, but now he's proving to have a mouth as big as his gut. Majerus who became a semi-youtube celebrity following his homophobic and anti-Rudy Gay comments. Well now Rick is at it again. First we learned that he has no problem with you seeing his uh....endowment. Now we've learned that Rick is pro-choice, which really isn't a big deal except he's at St. Louis, a Catholic school where they don't take to kindly to those views. His comments have brought the Archbishop of St. Louis to call for action from the University. It'd be a little absurd for the University to fire him over his personal views but we do know a couple of situations where they would be right to give rick the boot.

1. Rick brings his bat to the March for Life rally in Washington D.C. to defend his right to choose to kick your ass.
2. Rick takes bets on when the Pope will die.
3. Rick breaks into Church and gets drunk off of Church wine.
4. Rick carries cross into arenas for warm-ups in what he calls "The Passion of Majerus"

What The F*** Happened Last Night? Billy Ball is Back

It's been a while since Drake University found themselves in this position so in honor of that we're going retro and wearing our best plaid suit and recapping last night's games...

5)Tennessee 66 Kentucky 72- For the second time in 10 days Kentucky beat a ranked opponent at home and are now on the verge of breaking the .500 mark. Bruce Pearl's orange jacket and Chris Lofton's SEC topping three werent enough for the Vols as Billy ball looks to be in full effect in Lexington.

Michigan 61 11)Wisconsin 64- It was only 4 weeks ago that Wisconsin was on the ropes against Texas before Michael Flowers' three pointer lifted the Badgers. Now, they are at the door of the top 10 looking in. It was also a few weeks ago that John Beilein said his team was a bunch of toddlers. Beilein's squad didn't look so bad last night as they took Wisconsin down to the wire behind a strong effort on the boards. Wisconsin needed this one as they start a stretch of games against Indiana and Michigan State (both ranked in the top 10) and a strong Purdue team.

24) Drake 68 Creighton 60- For years Creighton has seemed to be the face of the MVC, and upstart MVC program Drake needed five extra minutes to hold them off in this one. It's been 37 years since Drake went dancing in March, but things are looking good for the Bulldogs after this performance. It would take a Clemson 2007-like performance for them to blow their ticket to the tourney.

Pryor Watch: As The World Turns

So RichRod's weekend of custody is over and the fallout is looking rosy for Michigan folks. Terrelle Pryor, the most talked about recruit in years, took an official visit to Michigan this weekend and said that he "liked it." Well that shouldn't come as a surprise. Who wouldn't have fun be showed around Michigan being told how great he is and having every bystander oogling at him? Sure, it's a little weird that he has a middle aged, former journeyman/rockybalboalikequarterback showing him around and helping him make his decisions, but we'd trust Charlie Batch...as long as Chris Hansen has his watchful eye in the sky. Charlie is a guy, he definitely likes sorority girls as much as Terrelle does.

So Terrelle enjoyed his visit and things seems pretty good (and they probably are), but don't get comfortable yet Wolverine fans because his high school head coach Ray Reitz says that plans are in the works for a trip to Oregon and possibly LSU. And Reitz wasn't afraid to throw the Buckeyes in there either. The Ohio State University seems to still be a contender for Pryor and the guys over at mgoblog have notice. If their connection between Ted Sarniak, Pryor, and Ohio State is true then there is good reason for people to be nervous that Pryor could be in Columbus next season. One backup quarterback already left and Jim Tressel has made it known he wants to incorporate dual threat quarterbacks into his offense, so it's not unconceivable that he could head across the border to Ohio State.

Now fans of Michigan, LSU, Ohio State, Oregon, and Penn State (ah you got Daryll Clark you're fine for a few years) play the waiting game to see what Terrelle's next move is.

Entertainment Guru: Cloverfun

Yo, it's Entertainment Guru, the he all who be all of movies and sports. I'll be breaking down the latest in movies for you this year.

Big movie #1 is the thriller Cloverfield, the monster was awesome....ok maybe it wasn't but still the plot was awesome....again lackluster (a love story while Manhattan is blowing up? cmon...), but hey the effects were average (now I'm getting it). I'm thinking that some college mascots could wreak more havoc and cause more fear than that retarded fishmonkeyfrog. Now I've done a couple hours of research and this is what I've come up with.

#1 Orange men- It's the classic ghost busters formula. You got a large round guy (this time orange not marshmellow) prancing around messing shit up. Imagine him opening the orange juice flood gates...lights out NYC. The real things you gotta watch out for those small orange seeds I wouldn't even f*** with them.

#2 Fighting Orka's- These mean guys from Delta State are already taking the kids for food. Plus and they don't show the bad ending of this photo shoot...it gets nasty. Where are you Chris Hansen?!

#3 Nittany Lion- Now I am not really sure about this one, but who knows whether the big bad monster is gonna dance around and do a lap dance or bite and rape your ass. All I am sure of is that if I see that flamboyant lion I am gonna run the other way with a plug between my butt.

#4 "Uga"- The Georgia Bulldog is one mean thing, we all know he already almost killed a football player. God only knows what he would do if he was huge, I don't think it would stop at New York kinda like the monster in Cloverfield (sweet jesus). Our only hope is maybe a lot of animal sacrifices or that he chases the big tennis ball the army has stored for such situations.

Oh yes there could be more...honorable mention

The Fighting Pickles of Hawaii-Hilo-I can't stand pickle juice.

TCU Horned Frogs-Since I was a kid always scared of frogs. I can't imagine if they had horns.

The Burger "King"- I know this guy isn't a college mascot but this guy keeps me up for nights. He's looking in your windows, telling you to eat Whoppers. I just don't trust taht shit.

The Stanford "tree"- this thing just weirds me out.

Highlander Watch: In Pursuit of Imperfection

Bill Belichek and the Patriots need one more win to finish the perfect season, but in Newark, New Jersey an athletic achievement of greater magnitude is in reach. THE New Jersey Institute of Technology Highlanders are on the verge of a completely imperfect 0-28 season. In the past 50 years only two teams have gone winless, but the Highlanders 28 losses would tie them with the 2004-2005 edition of Savannah State for the honor of worst team in the history of modern basketball. As the season progresses, we will update you on Head Coach Jim Casciano and the Highlanders as they head toward history.

The Highlanders traveled to the windy city on Saturday to take on the Chicago State Cougars. NJIT kept things close for the first 12 minutes of the contest before Chicago State began to pull away. Nesho "I'm Not Slobodan" Milosevic led all scorers with 20 points, but it just wasn't enough as the magic number now bumped down to 9 for the Highlanders.

Up Next: Texas-Pan American (11-10) on Saturday at 1:00 at the Prudential Center. The Highlanders lost to TPA 76-61 on December 31st.

What The F*** Happened Last Night? Big Monday

We're keeping an Eddie Sutton-like sobriety and bringing you a recap of last nights Big Monday games.

Syracuse 62 9) Georgetown 64- For a time in the second half it looked like the Hoyas we're going to drop their second Big Monday contest in a row. With his defense struggling to contain Johnny Flynn (24 points on like 50 shots) John Thompson III brought in Jeremiah Rivers to ail his teams defensive woes. Rivers, the son of the Good Doctor, was just what Georgetown needed as he shut down Flynn and sparked a late rally to give the Hoyas the victory.

12)Texas 63 Oklahoma St. 61- In a rematch of last year's triple OT thriller, these two Big 12 teams gave fans another electric performance. DJ Augustine dropped 26 for the Longhorns in their victory of Eddie Sutton Jr.'s squad. Ok St. had an opportunity at the end of regulation but rushed the shot under the basket to seal the game.

San Francisco 64 Gonzaga 72- In the night cap, the drunker Sutton, Eddie Sr., was looking for win number 800, but the Zags wouldn't allow it. Josh Heytvelt had six points, seven boards, and a handful of shrooms to lead Gonzaga in this one. Up next for the Zags is undefeated Memphis on Saturday.

What The F*** Happened This Weekend?...We're Back

It's been awhile but hopefully Money Mayweather got you through the weekend. Like O.J. we're out on bail and ready to recap all the upsets this weekend.

Maryland 82 1)UNC 80- It seems like years ago that Maryland lost to American and Miami (OH) -- it was actually a month ago -- because the Terps looked like the Gary Williams teams of old. Senior James Gist tore the Tar Heel defense up for 22 points as Maryland held on for the upset.

USC 72 4) UCLA 63- USC freshmen O.J. Mayo and Davon Jefferson did their best O.J. Simpson impression as they slashed through UCLA's defense for a combined 41 points. UCLA's own freshman and subject of current NCAA investigation Kevin Love, got his ninth double double of the season but it wasn't enough as the Trojans walked out of Westwood with the win.

9) Texas A&M 54 Kansas State 75- The Aggies hadn't skipped a beat this season since the departure of Acie Law, but Saturday they went into cardiac arrest in this one. Star freshman Michael Beasely dropped 21 for K-State who beat a top 10 team at home for the first time in 4 years.

16) Pitt 59 Cincinnati 62- Keeping up with ESPN's title of "Upset Saturday" Pitt decided it was a good idea to hand this one to the surging Bearcats. Cincinnati, a team that only won two big east games all last season, has beaten two ranked Big East opponents in a week. The way things are looking right now , if you can win 3 road games in the Big East you'll be in the regular season title hunt.

Have a Good Weekend

That's probably it for us until Sunday. In honor of his speculated rematch with Oscar De La Hoya we'll leave you with Floyd "Money" Mayweather's rap video....

Pryor Watch

The soap opera that is Terrelle Pryor's recruiting process has been full of more twists and turns than an episode of As The World Turns. Here's a little breakdown of all the drama in Terrelle's world.

First thing a big time recruit needs is a mentor and who better than Eastern Michigan quarterback and NFL journeyman Charlie Batch. Charlie has been really leading the recruiting process for Pryor, contacting schools and influencing Terrelle's decisions.

The school on the top of Pryor's list seems to be Michigan. We all know of the courtship between Pryor and RichRod at Michigan. It began with RichRod apparently calling Pryor before talking to his West Virginia team. Now on the table for Pryor is Michigan, Penn State (kind of), Ohio State (who can deny the sweater vest), Oregon, and now LSU.
Penn State is in the running simply because of location, but the fact that Pryor canceled his trip to Happy Valley for this weekend doesn't bode well for the Nittany Lions. Instead of making the trip to Penn State, Pryor is going to Michigan for the unofficial visit, one that my be his last before signing because his basketball team plays games the next two weekends.

Obviously the Michigan faithful are happy about this one. Over at mgoblog they're ordering readers to make their voice heard by showing up to the Michigan basketball game (oh did we mention Pryor is a D-1 basketball recruit?) to help Pryor make his decision.

Others in the mix are Ohio State, Oregon, and most recently LSU. Oregon already has shown that a quarterback with Pryor's run-pass talents can succeed in its spread offense. Jim "the vest" Tressel has said he wants to alter his offense to accomodate talent like Pryor. Just this week Les Miles came into the picture and Pryor said he "liked a lot of what they were saying."

It seems like his visit to Ann Arbor this weekend will be huge for Pryor's decision because he won't be likely to visit Oregon or LSU if things go well. His sweatbands are still on Ebay though so there's still a chance Ohio State, Penn State, Oregon and LSU fans. So start bidding.

What The F*** Happened Last Night?

The Bruce was on the loose last night in Knoxville, Louisville showed up to play, and A-10 teams keep knocking each other off. All this and more in our daily recap...

14) Vanderbilt 60 7) Tennessee 80- Bruce Pearl rocked the rockytop orange jacket, and his team stepped up the defensive pressure in a route of in-state rival Vanderbilt. The Commodores were ice cold from beyond shooting 14% in losing their second game in a row.

12)Butler 52 Cleveland State 56- Butler was the darling mid major of pundits everywhere, but the Vikings would hear none of it. At 13-5 Cleveland State is no pushover but Butler looked flat in this one shooting 34% from the field.

13)Marquette 51 Louisville 71- Louisville looked like the team that was a preseason favorite for the Big East title in this rout of Marquette. Marquette goes as Dominic James goes, and the senior guard was non-existent in this one with three points and one assist.

21)Rhode Island 61 St. Louis 68- A week after setting a shot clock era record scoring only 20 points in a game against George Washington, St. Louis became the third unranked A-10 to upset their ranked counterparts this week. A good win for Rick Majerus and St. Louis but a bad loss for Rhode Island and the A-10 overall.

Just Leave John Wooden Alone Already

The NCAA has once again proven how much it sucks, announcing that it is investigating a meeting John Wooden had with Kevin Love in 2006. I say, let John Wooden talk to whoever the hell he wants. If John Wooden wants to recruit 3rd graders for UCLA, then let him. For two reasons: first, Wooden was probably the greatest coach in NCAA history. Second, hes a fossil. The guy is 97 years old, do you think he really needs an NCAA investigation right now? The NCAA will feel pretty awful if Wooden dies from all the stress they put on him. So, they should just drop the investigation and let him rest.

But then theres the problem of UCLA fans who apparently want their hero to die of exhaustion. The man is trying to watch a game and you people feel the need to ask him for autographs...for free, no less. How would little Jimmy feel if he is asking Mr. Wooden for an autograph and...BAM the Wizard of Westwood is dead. So Bruin fans join the NCAA and leave him alone, and let the man enjoy his twighlight years.

Mack Brown Is A Thief (and other College Football happenings)

Texas - Mack Brown has kept the crazy coaching carousel (Mack loves alliteration) going this off-season hiring two SEC coordinators to his coaching staff. Aurburn defensive coordinator and super intense defensive guru Will Muschamp (see above) decided to leave the Tigers and take his aggressive defensive philosophy to the lone star state. Also, heading to Austin is former Longhorns quarterback Major "General" Applewhite, who left his offensive coordinator position at Alabama to take the asistant head coach and running backs coach positions at Texas.. With these two quality coaches and Colt "45 and two zig zags" McCoy coming back look for the Longhorns to make some serious noise in the BCS picture.

Auburn - Don't feel bad for Auburn for losing such a good coordinator because Pitt defensive coordinator Paul Rhoads has taken Muschamp's old post. You may remember Rhoads from when he destroyed the entire West Virginia football program in 60 minutes in December. Rhoads' defenses are known for their sound tackling, and look for him to make a nice fit in Tommy Tuberville's coaching staff.

Arkansas - Happy travels to 6'7'' Michigan mongoloid Ryan Mallett who has officially enrolled at Arkansas. Mallett, who saw time this season due to an injury to Chad Henne, left Michigan due to the arrival of RichRod and the spread offense. Mallett will sit out next season but should be primed to take over the starting spot with Casey Dick (were not even going to give him a nickname) being a senior next year.

What the F*** Happened Last Night?

(9) Texas A&M 53, Texas Tech 68- One of our personal favorite coaches of all time, got his 900th win. Congratulations Bob Knight for showing me how to coach my 10-11 youth basketball team strict discipline and for teaching me the value of continued yelling at the volunteer refs. I’ve gotten thrown out of my fair amount of games and mocked those annoying reporters (alright...they were really parents) who keep saying "You aren't playing for fun." Screw that noise I’m trying to win.

(1) North Carolina 83, Georgia Tech 82- Georgia Tech is the only team that Roy Williams hasn't beaten on the road since his hiring, that changed on Wednesday. Hansbrough continues his charge towards player of the year with 27 points and 11 boards. Jeremis Smith kept GT in the game with 15 points.

(2)Memphis 77, Rice 50- Who woulda thought Rice had a basketball team. Another blowout for Memphis has the continue to push for that #1 spot.

(5)Duke 70, Florida State 57- Another solid ACC game, which was closer than the score indicates. Jon "Mr. Pale" Scheyler dropped 21 and with the help from solid FT's down ths stretch the Bluedevils get a solid win.

(20) Xavier 59 Temple 78- For the first time since John Cheney retired Temple actually decided to play some defense. Dionte "I Believe In" Christmas was unstoppable in this one dropping 23 for the Owls who beat a ranked team for the first time in two years.

Things Are Pretty Bad In Happy Valley

Penn State had to think this week was going to be a good one. On Sunday top recruit and all-everything athlete Terrelle Pryor said he would take an official visit Happy Valley over the weekend putting Penn State in the running to nab the top recruit in the country. Then Wednesday came a whole shit storm of bad news. First, Pryor wrote in his "diary" in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that he would not make an official visit and that he wasn't sure "Penn State is a fit" -- he also wrote in his diary that he talked to Gina Michaels after seventh period! Then, Wednesday afternoon, a judge ruled that the beaver brawlers Chis Baker and Navorro Brown would stand trial for felony assault charges in connection with an on campus fight last year. Things only got worse as later in the day when tests showed that Geary Claxton, the leading scorer on the Men's Basketball team which was showing signs of being a contender in the Big Ten, will miss the rest of the season with a torn knee ligament. Finally, late Wednesday came word from a Penn State biology professor who found that JoePa has actually been legally dead for the past 8 years.
Nittany Lion fans can take solace in the fact that Anthony Morelli is really and truly out of eligibility.

Highlander Watch: In Pursuit of Imperfection

Bill Belichek and the Patriots need two more wins to finish the perfect season, but in Newark, New Jersey an athletic achievement of greater magnitude is in reach. THE New Jersey Institute of Technology Highlanders are on the verge of a completely imperfect 0-28 season. In the past 50 years only two teams have gone winless, but the Highlanders 28 losses would tie them with the 2004-2005 edition of Savannah State for the honor of worst team in the history of modern basketball. As the season progresses, we will update you on Head Coach Jim Casciano and the Highlanders as they head toward history.

The magic number now stands at 10 after last night's 64-33 loss to Cornell. The Highlander faithful were rocking early as the junior forward Kyle Edwards threw done a monster dunk to give the home team a 2-0 lead three minutes into the game. Then things...um...well they kind of got ugly. The Cornell Big Red (Big Red is the Taste of Bold) went on a 25-7 run for the 16 point halftime lead. By the middle of the second half the score was 47-18 and Cornell cleared the bench and cruised to the 64-33 win. Freshman guard Tyler Epps led NJIT with 3 assists and no turnovers in 31 minutes (the future is bright for the Highlanders). Next up for the Highlanders is Chicago State in Chicago on Saturday. The Cougars enter this one at 6-13.

The Olympic Committee is Putting Their Foot Down

Alright so you’re a double amputee stuck with prosthetic limbs on the end of what would have been an athletic body. Sucks to be you. Unless maybe you can somehow learn to run with these goofy looking metal things and dedicate your life to one day making it all the way to the Olympics and beat all those who can warm up for a race by touching their toes. Nevermind, your life still sucks:

“Oscar Pistorius, the double-amputee bidding to race against able-bodied athletes in this summer's Olympics, has been banned from taking part.

A study commissioned by the IAAF found that the South African 400 metre runner, who wears hi-tech prosthetic limbs on both legs, uses 25 per cent less energy to run at the same speed as able-bodied rivals.”

So in a world that took both of his legs from him, Pistorius is banned because the prosthetics gave him a leg up on the competition. No word on the sprinter’s next move, although one could bet it won’t involve tap-dancing or clipping his toenails. But don’t pity poor Oscar, think about all the money he saves on shoes, and if that kid ever drops out of the show Two and a Half Men there's always a spot for Oscar as the half.

Pistorius Denied Olympic Place

Highlander Watch: In Pursuit of Imperfection

While the majority of American sports fans anxiously wait to see if the New England Patriots can complete the perfect 19-0 season, we here at Understanding Lou want to introduce you to the New Jersey Institute of Technology Highlanders. The Highlander men's basketball team is on the verge of making history by becoming only the third team in NCAA Division 1 in the last 50 years to go winless for a season. Right now the Highlanders' record stands at 0-17 with the magic number at 12. 12 more games until these athletes can put their names in the record books.
Up next: Ivy League stalwart Cornell before a home crowd in Newark on Tuesday night when junior Nesho "I'm not related to Slobodan" Milosevic and the rese of the squad look to continue their march of futility into history.

What the F*** Happened Last Night?

Virgina 65, (7) Duke 87- Duke overmatched Virgina on defense, leading to easy layups by the white guys and big dunks by the black men (Gerald Henderson, DeMarcus Nelson). Nelson led the way with 20 points in an easy victory against Virgina.

Illinois 58, (11) Indiana 62- Before the game Bruce Weber the coach for Illinois was heard yelling at Eric Gordon "You jerk you were supposed to be on our team." Eric Gordon took that to heart as he scored 17, as the Hoosiers squeaked one out in Big Ten play.

An unwanted NBA note

As most of you have heard, the greatest thing to ever come out of Florida, Joakim Noah is having problems in the NBA. No, its not his ugly jumper or his overwhelming emotion. Joakim has been late for meetings and practice...probably too busy working on his dancing skills. Although his boy Al Horford (the more talented Gator) continues to stick up for his friend, I am seeing in the future a long list of problems that will lead to an early exit out of the NBA,(we can only pray). We will keep you posted.