Mack Brown Is A Thief (and other College Football happenings)

Texas - Mack Brown has kept the crazy coaching carousel (Mack loves alliteration) going this off-season hiring two SEC coordinators to his coaching staff. Aurburn defensive coordinator and super intense defensive guru Will Muschamp (see above) decided to leave the Tigers and take his aggressive defensive philosophy to the lone star state. Also, heading to Austin is former Longhorns quarterback Major "General" Applewhite, who left his offensive coordinator position at Alabama to take the asistant head coach and running backs coach positions at Texas.. With these two quality coaches and Colt "45 and two zig zags" McCoy coming back look for the Longhorns to make some serious noise in the BCS picture.

Auburn - Don't feel bad for Auburn for losing such a good coordinator because Pitt defensive coordinator Paul Rhoads has taken Muschamp's old post. You may remember Rhoads from when he destroyed the entire West Virginia football program in 60 minutes in December. Rhoads' defenses are known for their sound tackling, and look for him to make a nice fit in Tommy Tuberville's coaching staff.

Arkansas - Happy travels to 6'7'' Michigan mongoloid Ryan Mallett who has officially enrolled at Arkansas. Mallett, who saw time this season due to an injury to Chad Henne, left Michigan due to the arrival of RichRod and the spread offense. Mallett will sit out next season but should be primed to take over the starting spot with Casey Dick (were not even going to give him a nickname) being a senior next year.

Spread 'Em: NFL Draft Destroying WVU

Things aren't going so well in Morgantown West Va. right now. First they lost to Pitt, then they lost their coach. Then they won the Fiesta Bowl (that was the one bright spot) and then they hired Bill Stewart. Now they've lost speedsters Steve Slaton and Darius Reynaud to the NFL. With both players skipping their final year of eligibility to test the draft waters with graduating fullback/manchild Owen Schmitt the wheels are starting to fall off the proverbial wagon (we say this because its a saying not because they still use covered wagons in West Virginia) in Morgantown. Some NFL franchise's scout team just got really expensive thanks to Slaton entering the draft, where he will probably get drafted in the first or second round only to not see the field. Don't get us wrong, we are big fans of Steve Slaton here at Understanding Lou, but he began to get exposed towards the end of the season this year, and we're not sold on him as an NFL back right now.
With Schmitt, Slaton, and Reynaud gone that leaves Pat White, a definitie heisman candidate, Noel Devine (grill included), and Tito Gonzalez left to carry the load for the Mountaineers. Theres still a lot of fire power left, but it will take a lot for this team to get back to where it was this season.

No More Text Messaging for Coaches

An August ban on text messaging has been upheld by the NCAA in a victory for blue chip recruits everywhere. No longer will they have to change their text messaging plans to avoid extra charges when college coaches across the nation try to contact them. Imagine the creepy text messages players like Terrelle Pryor would be subjected to if this ban hadn't been upheld.

RichRod: yo terrelle wut r u doin?
Terrelle: Hey coach, um Im in math class right now....
RichRod: kool. I got some calculus for u...u + me at michigan = national championship
Terrelle: um...sounds cool coach. I'm going to go though. I'll talk you later.

Luckily, for the sake of Terrelle and five star recruits everywhere, they will only have to worry about cars and other gifts from coaches, not text messages.

And speaking of Terrelle Pryor, it's time to start bidding for his letter of intent, Michigan, Ohio State and Oregon fans. For a mere $350 you can buy game worn Terrelle Pryor sweat bands. Don't think hes not checking to see which schools boosters are buying these sweatbands either. So get out your check books and show Terrelle that you want to make him your school's next great quarterback.

Bill Stewart Just Can't Say The Right Things These Days

So by now you've heard the story of Bill Stewart. After spending over ten years as an assistant coach for West Virginia he was promoted to be the interim head coach for the Mountaineers following Rich Rodriguez's departure. Facing an uncertain future the Mountaineers rallied around Stewart and upset Oklahoma in convincing fashion. The next day Stewart was signed to a five year deal and his long journey to the top was complete. We laughed, we cried....and then we found out that he was a racist.

Our very own Big Ron has the scoop on another instance in Bill Stewart's career where he crossed the line with his comments....














Big Ron Investigates

Ayo, so we all know that ish that Bill Stewart said at VMI (that Rush Limbaugh ass Mother F*****), but none of you have heard about his first coaching job at Mt. Sinai Hebrew High School (home of the Fighting Rabbis!).
It was the week of the big interfaith rivalry game against St. Pius V (the Catholics called it the Inquisition game). Before the game, in the lockerroom, Stewart talked to the team and made his first wack comment, saying:
"We got to play to our teams stregnths...so we're going to nickle and dime it down the field today, fellas."
I aint done yet either. During the second half star offensive tackle Arnie Rabinowitz sucker punched Mike Dalessandro forcing Coach S. to say to Arnie:
"Do not ever give them a reason to call you cheap...especially a greaseball like him."
Mt. Sinai kept it real and fired his ass a week later. Good luck West Virginia with that one...

F*#@ Senior Year, I’m Tryin’ To Get Paid!

It’s that time of year again, when the “student” in student-athlete means about as much as a Bobby Petrino promise. Here’s a list of a few more juniors who are ignoring their student sections plea for “One More Year” and entering the draft.

Geno Hays, Florida St.
-They don't get degrees at Florida State anyway so why wait a year to "get that paper" as they say.
Jared Mayo, Tennessee
Ray Rice, Rutgers
- a shot at Ron Dayne's rushing record wasn't enough to keep Rice in Piscataway
Anthony Collins, Kansas
Jack Ikegwuonu, Wisconsin

Rich Rodriguez is indicating that Mario Manningham and Adrian Arrington will forgo their senior year to enter the draft. Check back for updates on this situation....

College Football (oh yes there’s a collage) Recap

Lets see if I can change the pace a little, see if I can get this year down to as little words as possible…

Wolverines lose to App St. then to Oregon. I wonder if Lloyd is done?
The tail of the number two teams: Oregon, BC, Uconn, Cal, and USF
41-point underdogs? USC drops to the Cardinal.
Ron Zook brings back Illinois football
Lou gave pep talks
Colt Brennan breaks laws then breaks records
ND hits the bottom of the ocean while Navy soars with Jesus after 44 years
Oregon football? Down goes Dixon
12,13,15 laterals…walking on defense is a bad habit
McFadden runs hard, but
God only loves one heismen: Tim Tebow
Bobby Petrino is back!
Rich Rodriguez throws the game then takes off for Ann Arbor
June Jones doesn’t enjoy paradise leaves Hawaii
Joe Pa coaches 500 games...I hope I can look this good after my 500th
Goodbye Lloyd Carr
BCS Bowl games not very exciting (maybe that's why no one watched them)
Mangino loves oranges: Kansas over VT
USC puts roses in their mouths again. USC beats Illinois
Bill Stewart gets a win and a new job: WVU defeats the Sooners
Knowshon Moreno cool name and even better player: Georgia abuses Hawaii
Finally the big one:
Ohio State should give up
LSU National Champs

..I know I missed some but I tried, maybe if the BCS didn't give 4 of 5 of their bowl games (thanks Rose Bowl) to Fox, I would've tried harder.

A Year Later: The Big Ten Is Still Slower Than The SEC

Alright so maybe Beanie Wells proved the SEC speed theory wrong in that first possession when he torched LSU safety Craig Steltz and the rest of the Tiger defense for a touchdown, but it just seemed throughout the game that LSU was the better team. They were strong up front and made the big plays when it counted, and most importantly they were poised. In the end, just like last year, Ohio State (and the sweater vest) was a very good team but they just got outclassed by a better squad in LSU.

Overall it was a pretty dull game which just got flat out aggravating thanks to Fox's broadcast. Between Chris Rose (the Ryan Seacrest of college commentating...sorry Herbstreit we know how bad you work for that title) and Charles Davis and Thom (Thom?) Brennaman's game commentary it was enough to drive someone out of their mind. Then you add in those Jumper adds and the dull action on the field and you had the perfect storm. We never thought we'd wish for the dynamic duo of Musberger and Herbstreit so bad.

After Ohio States performance everyone will say that it should have been Georgia or USC in that game, but cmon let's be serious. First off, our thoughts on Georgia's thriller impersonation in the World's Largest cocktail party aside, they didn't even make their conference championship against LSU so how could they have been in the National Championship against them? Same goes for USC who had all the talent in the world this season, but lost to a 41 point underdog at home and only beat two teams with records above .500. Brent Musberger will make sure to mention how the Trojans had injuries, but so did every other team out there this season so we're not buying it. At the end of the day LSU was (sort of) the best team throughout the season and deserved the national championship. Thers no playoff system so for now we have to live with the computers picking our champions.

TBCSNCG-The Bowl Championship Series National Championship Game

It's finally here. A mere 51 days since Ohio States last game (I know, it feels like just yesterday) the BCS National Championship has arrived. The numbers were tabulated back in December and the two best teams in the nation (wait Georgia isn't in it?) will square off tonight in the Superdome.

Ohio State bowled through their schedule quietly obtaining a number one ranking by October before falling to eventual BCS and Rose Bowl bound/demolished Illinois. And then in the spirit of competition, they sat back and watched as every other team got knocked off and they got knocked into the national championship. But they got Tressel and the man can win. Sure his team got blown up last year in the game but that doesn't matter because the man has the sweater vest on his side. As only Jesse Palmer could put it: "Is Tressel the best coach or the vest coach?" (Great call Jesse...Really, you should be proud of that one).

LSU for their part has played one of the toughest schedules in the nation and have produced some of the most exciting games of this season. They were two overtime losses from a perfect regular season, but were also a couple of converted fourth downs, and a bad pass against Auburn away from being an average team. But just as the Bucks have Tressel, the Tigers have - besides a stadium that will be full of Tiger fans and apparently a huge speed advantage - the touchdown scoring, playstation mastering dual quarterbacking corps of Matt Flynn and Ryan Perilloux on their side. This ebony and ivory duo like Tebow and Leak last year against Ohio State should cause some problems for the Buckeye defense and the way Les Miles incorparates both their talents into the game will be key to the contest.

We're not going to make any picks on this one, we just hope that its a better game than last years TBCSNCG, but we'll turn it over to resident gambling expert Big Ron to give you the lowdown. We'll see you all tomorrow with a recap of the big game.

Big Ron's Gambling Tips

As the spread stands now it -4 for LSU, and that sucka is only get closer as gametime draws near. I am seeing dollars signs and Lil’ Wayne lyrics (get money, f*** bitches) in my future after I put this bad boy down. The X-factor in my eyes is whether the defense of Ohio State will be able to keep up with the speed of LSU. Wide receiver Early Doucett could be a major match up problem, and if not contained he could be the knockout punch in this one. It's going to be like Smokey standing over top: “You got knocked the f*** out”. Ohio State will have to keep up on offense, with Chris “Beenie” Wells running the ball past the big boy in the middle Glenn “I hope the Dolphins don’t draft me” Dorsey. I have to go against the man in the sweater vest and pick the home team Tigers. 24-7 LSU.

F*#@ Senior Year, I’m Tryin’ To Get Paid!

It’s that time of year again, when the “student” in student-athlete means about as much as a Bobby Petrino promise. Here’s a list of a few more juniors who are ignoring their student sections plea for “One More Year” and entering the draft.

Aquib Talib, Kansas

Brandon Flowers, Virginia Tech

Kevin Smith, UCF-After talking with his family the national rushing leader will be taking his 2567 yards rushing to Sundays

GMAC Bowl Recap

In the final bowl game before the TBCSNCG,(The Bowl Championship Series National Championship Game...leave it to the BCS to come up with a confusing and convoluted name like that one), Tulsa and Bowling Green squared off in the GMAC Bowl. There was nothing confusing about this game as Paul Smith and Tulsa's high powered offense capitalized on costly turnovers by Bowling Green en route to a 63-7 victory. Four first half fumble recoveries turned into four touchdowns as the Golden Hurricanes (good thing they arent in the Sugar Bowl with that name) jumped out to a 35-0 halftime lead. Smith had a monster game throwing for five touchdowns and his fourteenth straight 300 yard passing performance. While many people probably missed this thriller to watch American Gladiators, those who did watch it got to see one of the better quarterbacks in the upcoming draft in Smith. But just how bad was this game historically? The 56 point margin of victory is the largest in bowl history eclipsing Alabama's 61-6 trouncing of Syracuse in the 1953 Orange Bowl. This one will probably sting for awhile in Bowling Green.

American Gladiators: College Coaching Edition

American Gladiators starts up tonight in all its ‘roided up goodness, and here at Understanding Lou we’ve decided to pick five college football coaches for our own edition of American Gladiators. We thought about doing a playoff system, but the Rose Bowl officials wouldn’t allow it so the computers did the numbers and here are the winners:


1. Bobby Petrino, Arkansas- Sure Bobby isn’t all that big in stature, but what most people need to realize is that he does not have a conscience or a soul. He’s like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. You say one thing to this guy…he’ll kill ya. Joey Harrington says Petrino’s not a man? Your time is coming Joey…your time is coming. The Eliminator isn’t the name of the final event, it’s Petrino’s job.







2. Ron Zook, Illinois- Zooker was the obvious number one pick but that Rose Bowl performance dropped him. Still there’s no denying the fact that this guy will break you in half. Can you imagine the venom he was spewing at halftime of the Rose Bowl? There isn’t a person out there in America who will beat him in the breakthrough and conquer event. You can break through…but no one conquers Ron Zook.


3. Mark Mangino, Kansas- Just off the most successful season of his career and Kansas’ history he had to make it. Who out there is going to get around this guy, America? Mangino has been training for the human cannonball for years (and you thought he was just obese). And dont think about showboating against this guy because he will get in your face:



4. Pete Carroll, USC- Pete’s unassuming with his laidback attitude, good friend Will Ferrell and Southern Cal lifestyle but don’t be fooled, he’s a gamer (you see those guns?). He’s a defensive mastermind who already dominated our two seed Ron Zook. You see Pete Carroll now as this skinny middle aged man who is an excellent football coach but you’re forgetting what he was doing in the early 90’s…..




5. Joe Paterno, Penn State- You’ve seen 300 you know what Joe went through growing up in Sparta. It was a hard life, but if he can survive the Persian army, the middle ages, and both World Wars what chance does some amateur have of knocking him, and his thousands of years of gladiator experience, off in a jousting competition?








Alternate: Lou Holtz, ESPN- You may say it is unfair that we picked the patron saint of the site as an alternate. Yes Lou is no longer a coach, and sure he looks like he might day any minute, but he's got you right where he wants you. He puts up with Mark May's shit all season long and hes fired up for new opponents. Lou wants you to think he’s a senile old man, but really he’s ready to bring the wood because Holtz…it means hard wood.

The Great White Hope

There were plenty of surprises at the Army All-American Bowl yesterday, with all the dramatics of blue-chip recruits making commitments, but by far the biggest shocker of them all for us here at Understanding Lou was Michigan-bound RB Sam McGuffie. Reading about McGuffie online he seems no different than any other five-star running back coming out of Texas. Until you notice that he is, in fact, a white dude. A talented white running back? Next you’re going to tell me a black guy is going to win the election.

F*#@ Senior Year, I’m Tryin’ To Get Paid!

It’s that time of year again, when the “student” in student-athlete means about as much as a Bobby Petrino promise. Here’s a list of juniors who are ignoring their student sections plea for “One More Year” and entering the draft.

OG Brandon Albert Virginia
TE Martellus Bennett Texas A&M
WR Davone Bess Hawaii
DE Calais Campbell Miami
RB Jamaal Charles Texas
OL Ryan Clady Boise State
WR James Hardy Indiana
DE Derrick Harvey Florida
LB Erin Henderson Maryland
(Pictured above, letting loose with the grey goose, as the kids say)
RB Rashard Mendenhall Illinois
WR Taj Smith Syracuse

Plenty of others are expected to announce their decision in the upcoming days, including Heisman runner-up and proud Cadillac driver Darren McFadden. We’ll keep you posted with the latest.

International Bowl

With ESPN assembling a Canadian crew of announcers, Rutgers ran all over Ball State for the 52-30 blowout win in the International Bowl. The Scarlet Nights racked up 594 yards of offense with 280 of them coming from Ray Rice.

Rice's performance today pushed him past the 2,000 yards and all but ensured that it was his last game. The Dirty Jerz faithful who made the trip to Toronto tried their best to persuade him, chanting "One More Year," but it seems doubtful that he'll be back next year. Being Ray Rice on campus is probably nice, but being Ray Rice with a couple of million is definitely nicer.

The All-Canadian Team
For their first and only game in the 51st state this season, the WWL sent Jessie Palmer (Toronto native and former bachelor contestant), former Canadian league MVP Doug Flutie, and Canada native John Saunders. The two former quarterbacks didnt seem to notice the monster day out of Ray Rice as they critiqued Mike Teel and Nate Davis but you can't really blame them for being off their game when doing the International Bowl.